topherchris

The internet is abuzz with reports that Apple is preparing to announce a tablet computer this month. Here are some of the most exciting rumors about the device.

• Tweaking your résumé in iWork on a tablet will be the most fun you’ve had since being employed.

• The battery is recharged by whispering nurturing things to it, singing to it, and sleeping with it.

• Multitouch has been expanded to include forehead, chin, and tongue gestures.

• Users will be able to read books and newspapers but will typically watch porn instead.

• It will double as an expensive MacBook without a physical keyboard.

• The device will destroy anyone who asks about Flash.

• It will feature a 3.5-inch screen and let you make phone calls intermittently.